DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic Violence - some South
Africans Womens Stories
Nthabiseng’s email is panicky, she left
her husband, a prominent human rights lawyer, after finding a diary in
which he detailed sexual fantasies involving him and their children aged
three and eight. Now he is suing for custody.
Before she found the diary she had been contemplating leaving him anyhow,
verbal abuse had escalated into the occasional slap or kick directed at
her.
But things aren’t that easy, the world is not waiting to scoop up a 30-year-old professional woman with two dependants who has only a South African passport, whose only international language is English and who is not rich.
She is going to have to fight him through the system she knows best (and therefore her anxiety), the South African justice system. But maybe her anxiety about the justice system is partly misplaced, never before has the legal system been more inclined to protect women and children than now.
Although Su Vos, Inkatha Freedom Party MP who has spent years fighting for better maintenance and child support laws says it’s still hell for the average women to get legal rights on paper, to actually work.
Yes, it’s exhausting. Yes, there are cops who still don’t arrest the abuser even though new Domestic Violence legislation compels them too (regardless of whether the woman wants them to or not). But let’s face it being beaten to a pulp is pretty exhausting too, if you want it to end you’re going to have to fight for your rights. The system is in place to help you – make it work.
Why are so many cops so slack? A senior (male) police official snorts when asked the question, “do you have any idea of how serious domestic violence is among police officers?” Some police violence against their partners is a result of post traumatic stress, he concedes, “but we have debriefing and psychological help available for them. They don’t all seek help, and to go home and beat your wife and kids is not acceptable.”
The figures for domestic abuse are terrifying – an estimated one in three women is abused in her relationship in South Africa. In Gauteng a woman is murdered every six days by her partner. In Britain, one in two female homicides is as a result of her partner killing her. In liberal Scandinavian countries, 60% of violence is domestic abuse.
The most dangerous persons in a child’s life is his or her parents, and then his or her immediate family members; grandparents, uncles. In the past children used to be taught not to talk to strangers, now we need to encourage them to talk to strangers, because if they are being beaten, sexually molested or finally murdered, the culprit in most instances is a close family member.
A boy child who witnesses domestic violence is at risk of growing up to be an abuser, and a girl child who witnesses it is more likely, in later life, to choose a partner who abuses her. If you’re being abused don’t use the excuse that you’re staying together for the kids, witnessing abuse destroys children.
With all the advances we have made in terms of defeating workplace discrimination, sexual harassment and putting in place employment equity, the safest place in the world for a woman now is the office, when she walks out of the door it is open season. Sexual violence is on a sharp upward graph across the world. Home is the most dangerous place in the world for a woman.
In New York last year, as an example, all
crime declined on average by 10% - except for sexual violence which rose
by close to six percent. In response that city has put in place a
multi-million dollar programme focused mainly in tracking and monitoring
abusive men and rapists. In some states of the US and England now, men who
are found guilty of domestic violence are being put on a register and
future partners will be warned.
Everywhere in the world, violence most often happens in the home. And
everywhere the women who find it most difficult to call for help, to lay a
charge or speak openly are women in prominent positions.
The case of beautiful SABC presenter, Tracy Ducray, is an example of why
it is so important for prominent women to speak out. Four years ago she
reported abuse by then boyfriend, Richard Latham. Photographs in
newspapers showed Tracy’s fine features obliterated by bruises, puffing
and lacerations.
During the case he skipped the country – Interpol caught him in Zimbabwe a
year later - in the end he was sentenced to one year in jail suspended for
five years, a R5 000 fine, and he had to pay for repairs to her car which
he had smashed into a wall in a rage. Tracy also won damages against him
in a civil case. He has not yet paid up.
Some months after the case ended she met Arno Ducray, a good looking,
gentle French Mauritian. She now bubbles with happiness and contentment,
the two have a small daughter, a sibling for Tracy’s son. She says, “I had
to heal my inner child so that I could become whole as a person. I had to
ensure there would never again be violence in my life. I had to learn to
never again choose the wrong person. All the warning signs are there in
the wrong man, they are insanely jealous, they have a violent temper, they
are possessive, they’ll kick the dog, or slam the door. Avoid such men.”
The classic abuser is not the stereotypical image of a big guy with a poor
shave, reeking of beer, high on steroids (although use of steroids tends
to lead to violence) and a rough package of ‘jokes’. The classic abuser is
often well-dressed, soft spoken, apparently gentle, at the beginning of
the relationship women will often say how he puts them on a pedestal.
South Africa’s best known medical rape expert and one of the top trauma doctors in the country, Dr Adrienne Wulfsohn, who was abused for the last five years of her relationship with a medical man says he used to call her “princess.” She says that once he tried to throw his “princess” out the window of a Durban hotel room, he broke her nose, he threw her against a wall, he threatened her and their children with a firearm on more than one occasion…
Anne Riberts, an accountant for a major corporate, was abused for 24 years, including being stabbed with a screwdriver 17 times on one occasion, she and her sister stabbed with a knife three times each by her quiet, apparently mild-mannered husband. In the same way that a paedophile “grooms” children by showering them with attention and gifts, and slowly introduces touching games and pornography into interactions with his prey, an abusive partner will often be profoundly loving and attentive, especially in public. He may appear needy – he probably is, because although he may present a macho or quasi-macho image, he has self esteem problems and that is why he cannot trust.
Usually within a short time after meeting he proposes marriage or living together. He may phone when you are out with friends, “just to check that you are safe” – he may offer to fetch you and drive you home. He is suspicious of your male friends, he tells you there is always a sexual agenda between men and women, and that there is no such thing as a non-sexual male/female relationship (rubbish!).
The star-struck woman – blinded as a rabbit is by the headlights of a car before it is run over – may tell her friends, “he loves me so much, he can’t bear me out of his sight/he’s always concerned about me.” It is at this time she needs to put on her takkies and head for the hills.
If you like your life being controlled then join the army.
Anne is tiny and always immaculately dressed, she married Keith Bennett, a successful businessman, after a whirlwind courtship. She wasn’t even 20. Over the years she divorced and remarried him three times, “he would be apologetic and promise he would change.” He didn’t, the violence got worse. She lay seven charges against him, and on each occasion the file either got “lost” – code for sold by corrupt court officials – or he was acquitted. He raped her four times, once two years after the last divorce and at gunpoint in front of their six year old son. The file got “lost” in that case too.
Keith Bennett kept escalating violence because the criminal justice system allowed it. By 2001, Anne had had enough, she contacted the office of Gauteng MEC Nomvula Mokonyane who set her staff to look into the matter.
Around the same time, Anne agreed to go out with a man for the first time in four years. They were going to movies. As they walked to the gate, Keith was standing there with a gun. He forced them back into the house, pistol whipped Anne into unconsciousness and shot her friend three times (he had to be airlifted to hospital and spent a month in intensive care.)
Keith then took his two sons and drove around with them in the car until armed police hostage negotiators were brought in.
Anne and her son went to live with a
woman’s rights activist, who drove her to work along a different route
each day, Anne lying flat on the seat. The activist and Mokonyane put
pressure on the Department of Justice. They linked Anne to Nisaa, a
woman’s rights organisation she now works for. She had the good fortune to
have an extraordinary detective on her side, Inspector Paul Fern of
Roodepoort police station. Fern prioritized the case, he realized that if
things went on as they were someone could die. He pulled every file
relating to Keith Bennett’s abusive history – as a result Bennett received
an 18 year jail sentence.
Inspector Fern’s reward was complaints from his superiors that he spent
too long on the case – despite the fact that he achieved a precedent
setting conviction. As a result he is no longer a detective and works for
the uniformed branch of the police. That’s how good cops get rewarded in
South Africa.
Anne says problems with Keith manifested early in their relationship.
“There was excessive jealousy, he would not allow another male to speak to
me, even my own cousin. He would accuse me of sleeping around, I never
did. He was jealous of my achievements. He used to say ‘you clever people’
as though it was a bad thing.
“I had to give my salary to him and he would give me a household
allowance. He wouldn’t even take out an extra R10 for a loaf of bread. Why
did I stay? Because when I left him the stalking was terrifying. I finally
had to make a decision to get out no matter what. After we got divorced he
bought me a cellphone and then I realized it was to monitor what I was
doing. I smashed it.”
Anne says the most serious impact has been on her children with problems
ranging from bedwetting to moodswings, poor concentration and anxiety.
“I’m now very careful about men. One guy would do anything for me, he
opened doors, cooked supper but didn’t have a job. Then there was another
who was always in meetings. I don’t need complications, I’m happy on my
own and I have a strong spiritual side that sustains me.”
Dr Adrienne Wulfsohn has a mass of bright red curls. She is vivacious,
energetic and funny. She opened the first private sector rape clinic at
Sunninghill hospital in 1998, but is now in private practice in
Morningside, Sandton. She is recognized as a world authority on rape, HIV
and post exposure prophylaxis (the drugs that stop HIV transmission after
rape).
She and her partner seemed an ideal couple, he was big and burly, while
she was petite, they were both interested in trauma medicine. They met
while they were studying and had a passionate relationship. Four years
later their first child was born. She says around that time verbal abuse
began intensifying, later escalating to violence, first he would destroy
things around the home – he once ripped a door almost in half, then
threats with a firearm, and later physical assault. Fortunately she took
and kept photographs of damage to the house and herself.
“The first time he threw me against a wall, I was so shocked, and then he
was remorseful. On another occasion I said, you hurt me, that’s physical
abuse, he responded, I just pushed you. I love reading and it’s the way I
fall asleep, once he kicked me in the back when I was reading and said,
you love books more than me.
“He had certain difficulties in his childhood and so I would use that as
the excuse, but actually nothing could excuse what he did to me and our
children.”
Our children are wiser than we think, they watch, they listen, they learn
from us. And yet, she says, “if I was involved in an accident he is still
the person I would want to treat me, he becomes totally involved with his
patients, kind, thoughtful and caring.”
She has found the justice system the most difficult. “To get a restraining
order takes a full day at court. The first lawyer was the worst, she said,
I need to understand why you stayed with him for so long. Some people
don’t understand that you love this man, you keep hoping he will change,
you keep thinking maybe if I do something different it will stop. But it
doesn’t. That attorney charged me R8 000 and basically all she did was
help draw up an affidavit I could have done myself.
“I have good attorneys now, but to be frank, I don’t think there is a private attorney out there who understands domestic violence. The best people are those at the court, the clerks, the magistrates, they know what it’s about, they see it all the time. Attorneys drag things out, I just want to get on with my life. My children and I are now happy. Financially he has almost ruined me, I need to rebuild.”
Adrienne says, “I met someone who was great. He put me on a pedestal, it felt good. But in the end, I don’t need to be told I’m special, I need to believe it. You can’t go into a new relationship until you’ve built your own self esteem, self respect.
“This guy was also good with the kids. But one night I did a shift in casualty, we were very busy and I got home at dawn, I left my cellphone off and slept for most of the day. When I woke up there were 18 missed calls and six SMS’ from him. I phoned and asked, is anything wrong? He said, I was worried about you, you could have phoned and told me what you were doing. And, I thought, here we go again, control. I ended it.
“My life is now the happiest it has ever been. I’ve grown so much, my kids are content and more confident than they’ve ever been. It’s made me reassess my whole life. “Professional and famous people, come across as so strong, and yet so many are crumbling inside. They are all image and no substance, until they begin the hard work, acknowledging what is happening and building the life they deserve.”
Nomvula Mokonyane, Gauteng’s MEC for Safety and Liaison is a heroine among many women and children who have experienced abuse for her personal interventions, and ensuring that more than 80 police stations in Gauteng now have Victim Support centers.
She is lobbying for legislation that would ensure that once a person has threatened another with a firearm, he never gets the firearms back and is never allowed to own a gun.
Nomvula says women are not a “vulnerable group at all, we are sponges, we absorb a lot, we are special, we can change the world if we want. Many women feel empty, they think they have no reason to exist, or can exist only through a man – women are the heroines of their own destiny, if she decides to become a survivor she becomes incredible.
“I sometimes get shocked when I find out what wellknown men, respected men, do to their partners. But there are women too who won’t let them get away with those attitudes. We think we are weak until we decide to be strong.
“There are things that bring me joy in this work. We sent a man to jail for attempting to kill his family and burning the house - some of my police officers went and helped build that house again.”
Nomvula says, “but prison sentences aren’t enough. We mustn’t pay for them in prison, they have to pay too. There was a man who killed his wife and child and I said to the magistrate, I want him scrubbing the floors of mortuaries from now on, he must keep seeing what men like him do.” * Not her real name BEATEN BUT NOT BROKEN: TIPS FROM SURVIVORS · Get a safe place of your own · Go for counseling · Attend workshops about women abuse, rebuilding self esteem and emotional healing · If you find you’re making excuses for his behaviour and you start not believing in your self, you’re in trouble. · Do your own Domestic Violence order, sign the affidavit at the police. · The domestic violence court opens at 8am, has an hour for lunch and closes at 4pm, take something to eat, drink and read. Wear comfortable shoes, you’re going to be sent to a lot of rooms. Take tissues and soap most court toilets lack such luxuries. · Once the magistrate signs the order, either the court delivers it to the sheriff which takes days before it gets served on the man – rather take it yourself to the sheriff, it speeds up the process. · Don’t rush into new relationships. Be careful before making any commitments. Abused women tend to go for abusive men, over and over. Help: People Opposing Women Abuse, Johannesburg (has a shelter) www.powa.org.za ot 011-642-4345 Nisaa, Lenasia (has a shelter) Sexual Harassment Education Project (SHEP) , part of Cosatu, works against sexual harassment and domestic violence in rural and urban areas nationwide joanie@telkomsa.net Western Cape Network on Violence Against Women network@womenscentre.co.za 021-633-5287 www.speakout.org.za - website on rape, child abuse, domestic violence, and HIV/AIDS Rape Action Group rapeactiongroupsa@smartgroups.com and Media Against Violence (MAVi) sexualviolencej@smartgroups.com are two South African based elists where professionals and survivors share research, coping skills and network Lifeline (national, look up contact details for your area), access to shelters, excellent website www.lifeline.org.za
© Speak Out Terms of use