Readers' Speakout

READERS SPEAKOUT
ARCHIVE - 2002

I SURVIVED
I was raped 2.5 weeks ago in my own house, my husband was also stabbed four times. But we are still alive and have turned our anger into positivity. We are going to fight this in what seems an impossible fight against woman abuse, crime and child abuse. I am coping by remembering that I survived and my husband and myself are going to counselling together and are very close.
Ladies we need to fight this - we will eventually win. If anyone would like to chat or need an encouraging word or two, please call me. I have no qualifications, but I know how I feel and talking about it really helps.
Regards
Belinda Eloff
Belinda.Eloff@fedex.bidlog.co.za
Date: Thu, 8 Nov 2001 10:58:40 +0200

From: "Lise"
Subject: HI
Date: Sun, 10 Feb 2002 11:26:46 +0200

Hi Speakout!

Thanks for your reply and information to my first request for trauma counselling training. I'm going to try 'trauma counselling' and 'counselling' in the search engine. I stay in Middelburg, Mpumalanga, South Africa. Where are you situated? I got in touch with a lady at victim support who was supposed to come back to me and has not. I can't get hold of her as her cell is always on the recording. So I must keep trying there. Otherwise, I'm well. Hope all is going well on your side.
Thanks for the emails.

God Bless
Lise

----- Original Message -----
From: Speak Out!
Sent: Monday, February 11, 2002 7:33 AM

Dear Lise,
there is a branch of Jong Dames Dinamiek on Middelburg that has set up a trauma support centre at the local police station, I am copying this to JDD (Pretoria) in the hope that they will tell you how to contact them, alternatively enquire at the local police station where the support centre is.
Then a bit further up the road GRIP in Nelspruit is doing good work among rape survivors and they conduct trauma debriefing and counselling courses, phone 013-7525993 or email gripno@freemail.absa.co.za .

You should also contact your local branch of Lifeline and find out what training courses they have scheduled.

Best wishes with your quest

older women and violence
From: "CASA at RWH." Subject:
Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2002 14:20:08

Hhello there. I am a worker at the centre against sexual assault in Melbourne, Australia. I am currently doing research into international services that do work around older women and domestic violence. if you know of any services in your local, or any appropriate web sites, I would appreciate it if you could let me know.

I can be contacted either at likeablebully@yahoo.com or casa@cryptic.rch.unimelb.edu.au
thanking you in anticipation,
in sisterhood,

ada conroy
CASA HOUSE
270 CARDIGAN STREET
CARLTON VIC 3053
Ph (03) 9347.3066
Fax (03) 9347.1505

Best wishes with your quest

trauma research
From: "Carol Cordiner"
Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2002 16:00:02 +0200

Hi, my name is Carol Cordiner. I am currently undertaking my masters degree in clinical psychology at Wits University, and am very interested in conducting research with male survivors of trauma, which involved the man's wife/female partner. This is an area than has been somewhat neglected by research.
I was at Charlene Smith's workshop on "surviving sexual violence" last year in August, and one married couple who shared their experiences got me very interested in the area I now hope to study in some detail.

I was hoping that I might get in touch with men who have survived this form of trauma. I wonder if you could help me? I look forward to hearing from you.

Many thanks
Carol Cordiner
e-mail: carol.cordiner@webmail.co.za

Religion and sexual violence
Since I had a lettter published in which I discussed the issue of justice in cases of clerical child molesters, I have been rather overwhelmed at the positive response I have recieved from various quarters; it is clear that much needs to be done. What is done to a child or a woman, whether by a religous leader or by someone in society in general, impacts in some way , directly or indirectly, on the whole of society and affects us all. I am beginning to agree with Charlene that the issue of sexual crimes by people in religious authority is very much linked to the overwhelming problem of crimes of sexual violence and child molesting nationwide.

I am not sure where all this may lead, but at present I have in mind an inter-faith conference on the issue of faith bodies and sexual violence both within the faith bodies and in society at large. I have in mind that members and leaders of the various faith bodies can be invited to participate. While I am ever mindful of Martin Luther King's perceptive comment about 'the paralysis of analysis', we have to start somewhere, and such dialogue may be a very good place to begin and see what grows out of it.

Childline has already expressed great interest in the possibility of such a conference- for indeed, they see daily exactly what is going on. I have been told that other Child Welfare organisations would be very likely to support this initiative and I shall be contacting them. Meanwhile, As I am a Catholic myself, I have contacted Cardinal Napier of the South African Catholic Bishops Conference about the initiative, and at present I am awaiting his reply.

I would like to ask if you are interested in supporting such an initiative, and interested in such a conference - or if you have any other ideas about what can be done on an interfaith level.

with warm regards
Krystyna Smith.
jazzbo@mweb.co.za

Volunteer Counselling
From: "Megan
Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2002 10:33:43 +0200

I would like to begin counselling rape victims, abused women or children on volunteer basis.
Please can you tell me how I can contact the relevant people in this regard.
Many thanks
Megan

----- Original Message -----
From: Speak Out!

Hi Megan - what sort of training background do you have? Also your very first step is never to refer to us as VICTIMS, it is a discriminatory and derogatory term, please always refer to us a SURVIVORS.
There are a number of organisations you can contact and obviously it depends on your training (and whether they train) and where you live - some organisations you might want to try in the Johannesburg area include People Opposed to Woman Abuse (POWA) who have offices in Berea, the United Methodist Church in Bryanston has a good counselling service that includes rape counselling and is run by Marge Stathakis, Women against Men and Child Abuse (a rather cumbersome title) do counselling mostly for children or incest survivors in Ferndale and Boksburg, Nisaa does counselling and runs a shelter for abused women in Lenasia, Muslim Women Against Abuse runs phone and face to face counselling in Mayfair, Lifeline runs training courses and they do telephone and face to face counselling - Lifeline Pretoria is particularly good. If you key in RAPE CONTACTS in the www.speakout.org.za website search engine, more will come up but these are a few we recommend you start with. Contact them and try and figure out which you feel you would be most happy with.
Good luck!

March 21, 2002 5:48 AM
Subject: Re: Child Rape Attack
Dear Enid,

I am very, very sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter. I need more details to assist you and her. First you say she was molested - do you mean she was touched/fondled, or raped, or something else. You say the perpetrator is still out there .... do you know who he is? Have you laid a charge? What area do you live in - I need to know to be able to advise you what cops to speak to, but actually I am more interested in how your daughter is coping at this stage. How is she coping? Is she sleeping and eating properly? What are her school marks like since the incident? How long ago was this? If she was raped did she go onto medication to stop HIV and STDs?
You need to give more details please because if she does not get appropriate assistance this can have a long term impact. You sound like a caring mom, so let's see what we can do together. Are you going for counselling too? Do you live with her father? How is he coping with the incident? The way her parents cope will have a lot to do with how well she copes.
Please have a look at our website www.speakout.org.za - I want you to look at the sections on Child Abuse and Child Rape - we have a lot of material in those sections. If you key in those words to the search engine you will find even more. It is also VERY important to look up Post Traumatic Stress, because that will give you an idea of some of the changes she will go through - mood swings, difficulty in sleeping or concentrating, etc... best wishes (2) From: "Enid"
To: "Speak Out!"
Subject: Re: Child Rape Attack
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 10:50:54 +0200

Yes she was fondled in touched
Yes I did lay a charge
No I don't know him
I am not sure really how she is doing because all she wants to do is sleep, she is going down with her school work not eating a lot .
It happened the the 27-02-02
I don't live with her father we are divorced
Her attitude towards her step dad is bad always screaming and shouting does not listen to noone and I really don't know what to do?
Thanking you Kindly
Enid

RESPONSE 2: Enid,

You are her mom, you are worried because you can see she is not coping.
Everything in your letter says she is not coping, so you DO know how she is doing.
Sleeping is depression.
Fighting with her stepdad is anger. And I guess that a lot of that is because she feels you are not speaking to her enough about it. Speak to her. Let her say whatever she likes. Don't tell her what to do or not to do, the abuser removed her choice don't do the same.
What is her step dad's attitude to her? He is the adult, he needs to show that he cares, that he is sad inside for her, that it hurts him when she yells but he cares about her nonetheless. He must ask her what HE can do to help HER. She needs to know that not all men are dangerous and unreliable. Your husband has a great task, and if he is a great man he will be able to perform it.
You and him need to read the section on child abuse and child rape on the website - so does she.
Please look up CHILD RAPE CONTACTS under the search engine, a whole lot will come up. Phone Childline - it is a national tollfree number and ask their advice. Suggest she do the same.
Do one thing each week for her, and say, this is because mommy loves you ...it may be giving her a card you draw, or buying her a ribbon, anything, something small but meaningful.
She somehow thinks she is to blame, or might be to blame in some way - make it quite clear to her that she is not. He is the criminal, not her, not you, not anyone else. HE must carry shame. Not her, not you, not anyone else.
I suggest you read Charlene Smith's book "Proud of Me", it will help - your library should have it.
Under contacts you should be able to find counselling services in your area, if you cannot, let us know and tell us the area you are in.
Make sure her teacher and headmaster knows (don't tell her you are telling them), ask them to report any unusual behaviour to you.
And show her love, love, love.
And show yourself love too, this is hard on both of you.

How can I assist people with HIV/Aids?

From: "WAWO/PLF/WAHEED CH."
To:
Date: Mon, 6 May 2002 07:35:12 +0500

I am Waheed Ahmad from Pakistan. I have been working to assist HIV/AIDS persons for their Peaceful residing in Pakistan. I have also recently qualified as a Lawyer.
I have a great interest in Humanitarian causes.

I would like to inform you after attending the HIV/ AIDS conference in Chaing Mai,and Diplomacy Training Program held in Colombo I learned from that Program to treat HIV/AIDS people with patience as a Normal Human Being. I want to do some more efficient work for the betterment and welfare of the Persons those who are living with HIV for this mission I need your Help and Guidance that how and what can I do for these peoples.

I need Literature in the form of Pamphlets and leaf-lets so that I may inform people about patience with HIV/AIDS People Because In Our Society They are considered very evil and Bad persons , because people do have one notion in their mind i.e. Sexual relationship , I have been trying to change their attitude. In Stead of Facing our hatred, They must be provided equal Opportunities in all Walks of Life.
I need help and advice so that I may help the down Trodden , Deserving and needy people in Pakistan in particular and Asia in general.
Yours truly,
Waheed Ahmad
Attorney at Law
Legal Secretary/ Secretary Coordination
World Asian Workers Organization
Address: 2/136- A Aman Park Baghbanpura Lahore Pakistan
Fax 92-42-6844293

I'm writing from a small publisher in Pietermaritzburg, formed by the Theological Centra in this town. We are a non-profit organisation and have just published a book called: Little Girl Arise, New Life after Incest and Abuse. The book is the slow process of an incest survivor and how she has come to wholeness following years of abuse as a child.

We would like the book to get to the people who need it and due to subsidization we can sell it for R 40 a copy and give an additional discount for bulkorders.

Best Wishes
Nelly

From: "Moira"
Subject: Desperate need of info
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 01:04:12 +0200

My name is Moira. I attend an all girls school in Bloemfontein. I am writing this in the hope that every email that is sent is read since my may seem somewhat less important than others.

Myself and three other girls have to present a special assembly in May sometime and due to two resent attacks on girls just outside the school grounds and the fact that most of us are oblivious as what to do in the event that such a thing might happen I hoped that we could perhaps organize someone who is educated and experienced in the field could come and say a few words of advice. What to do and what not to do.
In the same light I was wondering if you perhaps know of anyone that does self defense classes in my area and can give a demonstration.
I would really appreciate your help.
Moira

Thursday, April 04, 2002 6:42 PM
Subject: Re: Desperate need of info

Dear Moira,

The real experts you need to speak to you are the girls who got attacked.
They will tell you that self defence would not have helped them. If you want self defence then you must tell people hijacked to fight for the gun... banks must tell people to fight bank robbers...it's rubbish. And 75% of rape is gang rape - do you all think you are Arnold Schwarzenneger and are going to take on a gang?

Your best defence is to remain calm, to do exactly what they tell you and to look for opportunities for escape. Ask the girls who were attacked to speak to the school - if they feel confident enough and to say what they would have done different, not much I expect.
Good speakers in Bloemfontein are thin on the ground but I suggest you phone the Director of Public Prosecutions at the Dept of Justice in Bloemfontein and ask if one of the prosecutors who deals with rape can come and speak to you. They also have a very good one stop centre in the local township.
Please read our website too for hints - READ THE EMERGENCY RAPE INFORMATION, it is critical and it tells you not to fight. And unless you want someone to get killed, drop your ideas of a self defence instructor.

From: RYKMAJ001 - UCT Student
Subject: statistics on male rape in za
Date: Fri, 03 May 2002 10:46:03 +0200

A group of law and media students of UCT are busy conducting interviews on the issue of males being raped for a senior research project. We hope, with your help like to tackle the following areas:

(1) the psychological consequences of rape on its victims; interviews rom behind the bars - Pollsmoor prison.
(2) what drives the rapist in pursuit of this most wicked of 'pleasures'
(3) the legal perspective - whether present statute, although mostly formulated with the female protection in mind, could be extended to males.
(4) statistics (if any) in Current South Africa
(5) Current statistics on Uct Campus.
(6) Interviewing members of rape crisis centres

In this regard, we would like to ask of you to furnish our group with information largely on point (4) but also on policy and services for victims. Help us in our quest to 'speakout' against the crime of male rape.
The information that hopefully is forthcoming will be used in our audio and visual presentations and will not be for public consumption.
hopefully this request will be met in the affirmative and that this request for an interview will be granted. Alternatively, could you please email us any relevant information in this regard.
Also compliments on a most informative website...

thank you in anticipation
majdi ryklief and cindy trezirus

----- Original Message ----- From: "Speak Out!"
Sent: Sunday, May 05, 2002 6:00 PM Subject: Re: statistics on male rape in za

For a start the rape of men is not a crime in South Africa.
We don't refer to people as victims unless they are dead, we refer to rape survivors.
You have to contact Correctional Services to do interviews at Pollsmoor.
We have VERY SERIOUS RESERVATIONS in having to anything to do with students who are so insensitive as to write the idiotic phrase: (2) "pleasures" with regard to rape.
In fact, it is this that makes us believe you have done no work, no research and have zero sensitivity. If you develop the latter we might help you, otherwise forget it.

From: "g A"
To: speakout@global.co.za
Subject: to speak out team
Date: Sun, 12 May 2002 12:10:35 +0000
Hello
Im a former South African currently living in Israel. I came across your site while looking for statistics on woman and Rape in the new SA . I must say that Im very impressed with the site. I wanted to let you know of a simmilar site here ( unfortunately its in Hebrew so i cannot give a link to it)
The site is made out of translated articles on topics to do with rape/ In addition they also have a forum where people can get on line support on the internet . I find that people find it easier to open up on the net where they have anonimity instead of on the phone/
I think it may be an idea for your site if you are intrested i can help you out
Webmaster, Heart to heart, teen and yourg adult support site

SpeakOut: Thank you for this. Is there no way you can give us a translated address for the Israel site? We have a very large Jewish population here and I am sure many might find it of great use. Thank you for your suggestion about a live Q&A section, we have considered it but because this site is completely volunteer run we do not have the resources or funds for an initiative of that type. We simply don't have person power, we all work fulltime, and even answering the letters and doing research for the site (it's a very active site with new postings every week) takes up our resources. If we get lucky enough to have people available we will certainly do it - we were thinking of an hour or two a week at one time but then practicalities intervened and we have not been able to do it... But thank you for your kind consideration, and please let us know of any Israeli sites we would definitely like to provide links to them if we can. Shalom.