Readers' Speakout

READERS SPEAKOUT
Childhood story & adult jealousy
From: P Subject: Childhood story Date: Sat, 8 Dec 2007 11:03:01 +0200
Hi
I read the book "Ek is Anna", it's about a woman's story of how her mother's husband raped her and her sister. This book made me realize that I have to tell someone my story. I'm now 22 years old.
When I was 8 years old (I can't remember exactly how old) my grandfather started touching my genitals. We were very close to each other and I loved him alot. When he and my grandmother came to visit, they would normally take an afternoon nap on my parents bed, and I would sleep on the floor next to my granddad and my brother next to my grandmother. That's when he strated rubbing my nipples. The first time it happened I woke up and just acted as if I was sleeping. It felt nice. I don't think that I actually understood what was happening.
When he rubbed my vagina, (not that often), he would tell me that I may not tell anyone, otherwise my grandmother would be very upset.
I started getting breasts when I was 10. I felt shy about it, and tried to act as if I'm waking up when he touched me. What I don't understand was the fact that I kept on sleeping next to him when they took a nap. I knew what was going to happen, but I said nothing. I knew it was wrong, but it felt nice.
I saw him naked once, he just got out of the bath and when he got dressed he didn't close the door. I think he wanted me to see him. I just turned around and walked away.
I love him so much. He died when I was 11. Everybody knew that we loved each other very much. One could see that I was his favourite grandchild.
He was a lovely man and my mother loved him alot. Everybody still misses him. I never told anybody about it. I didn't want my parents or grandmother to get hurt. I have the best parents that you can ask for, and we are very close to each other. It will destroy them to know what happened.
I wondered why he did it, I never had suicide feelings, but I did pinch my nipples until it hurts and I did rub myself. I didn't want to but before I knew it I did.
I did very well in school, I had a lot of friends, so I didn't have any signs that something was wrong. I thought that I'm okay, I wondered about it a lot. I even wondered if it really happened, maybe it was just a dream. I wondered what you called it if something like that happens, I thought that I was molested but not sure.
I had healthy relationships with boys. It didn't affect me in that way.
When I was finished with school I went to Holland as an au pair. I loved it there, I travelled through Europe and made a lot of friends. After that I went to London for 2 years as a security officer. I saved money and now I can pay for my studies and everything.
I met my fiance in London. He is South African as well. We became friends and then fell in love. I moved in with him, and we have been living together for 2 years now. We are getting married next year September.
I felt guilty for not telling him about what happened to me. We don't have any secrets. I finally told him about it in June. He listened to me and said that it is bad, but luckily my granddad didn't do more. I was happy that I told him, but I wondered why it bothered me for so long,if maybe it wasn't that bad.
I am very happy, except that I gained wight when I was abroad. I lost a lot of it, I want to lose 8kg. I'm not really fat, but would like to be thin. Since January when we started studying and all the girls are thin and pretty, and dress nicely etc. I felt very insecure. I don't want to feel like this. I am pretty, but I feel jealous of the other girls, I always try to find fault with them. That upsets my fiance, which is understandable.
After I read the book, I saw what they said molestation can do to you. One of the things is that you can have a low selfesteem. This makes me wonder if what happened to me actually still has an affect on me. Maybe that is partly the reason why I feel like this. Everything is going so well in my life. My family is doing good, and I am in love etc.
Please let me know if it might be a reason for my insecure feelings. I don't trust men that much. I trust my fiance with everything, I know that he won't cheat on me, but then again I'm not sure. If someone tries to seduce him, maybe he will.
Help me please. I just want to talk to someone. I think that it may help.
Thank you very much for your time. P

SpeakOut!
P, you being jealous of your boyfriend has nothing to do with your grandfather molesting you. In fact jealousy is abusive conduct and if you want to lose a person who sounds like a good man, continue being jealous, it is stupid, immature behaviour and from the rest of your letter you do not sound stupid or immature.
We think you handled the molestation in a very positive way - children are sexual beings too, in your letter you say you recognise that it was pleasurable even though you acknowledge that his conduct was wrong. Even he acknowledges it was wrong by not wanting anyone to know. You say he was a nice man, we don't agree. But we feel that you were strong and sensible in putting it behind you.
We always tell women to avoid jealous, controlling men because they are the first to hit and be abusive - so be very careful you are not like the worst of men. Be grownup always in your relationships. Why on earth should your fiancé not chat to other women? Good grief - do you want a relationship or do you want to be his prison warder? If you told us your boyfriend did not want you to speak to other men we would say, 'he's a jerk, dump him, fast' - so why should he stay with you if you are being a jerk? Think about this Phoebe and grow up.
Paedophiles always make the child they are molesting feel as though they are special, as though they have a unique relationship with the child because they count on the child's silence.
I don't think you have issues from what your grandfather did to you. But I do think you sound very immature in your approach to your fiancé. 22 is very young to be considering marriage. I suggest you go for relationship counselling with your boyfriend and find ways to manage and treasure what I hope will be a great love in your life and a source of happiness. But don't start blaming your bad behaviour on other things. Take responsibility for bad conduct and change it. Your grandfather did not, but you clearly have the wisdom to be a more powerful individual than him.