Readers' Speakout

READERS SPEAKOUT
Can I help a friend whose boyfriend is beating her? 1 December, 2006

From: "BN"
Hi,

I have a female friend in Port Shepstone, KwaZulu Natal. She is being physically abused by her boyfriend. A day or two after he hits her, he comes back and says he is sorry, cries by her and gives her money. Unfortunately she falls for his act and goes running back to him.
I have told her that she needs to speak to someone that was in a similar situation or a counselor. Is there someone that I can find that can contact her and speak to her about this situation that she finds herself in?
Kind Regards
B

SpeakOut!

Your friend is very lucky to have someone like you in your life. But if she values herself so little there is really not much that can be done. She is going to have to learn the hard way. No organisation will contact her. She has to realise she needs help. It's a bit like dealing with a drug addict or an alcoholic we can't make them stop, they have to want to stop. She has to feel she is worth more than a few hundred rand - in fact, it probably isn't even that much. Suggest she takes the quiz on our site to see if she is experiencing abuse (in her heart she knows she is anyhow, but she is also telling herself lots of lies, even more than he is telling her).
Tell her that Lifeline has a very good Stop Gender Violence Helpline she can call tollfree. But she has to want to do it, and this girl, does not value herself, that's why she allows this to happen.
Every six hours in South Africa a woman is murdered by her intimate partner. It is exceptionally rare that when she gets killed it is the first time he has attacked her either physically, verbally or emotionally. He has done it before and she stays with him. And sometimes just for the sake of a few rand.
We are sorry we cannot be more helpful, we suggest you phone the Stop Gender Violence Helpline and chat with one of the excellent male counsellors there - man to man. You need to figure out too why you so badly want to help someone who does not want to be helped, in part it is because you are a good person, it is also because you are a loving friend, but there is wisdom in knowing when to stand back. Sometimes people allow themselves to be victims (your friend) because they believe we (you) will always be there to pick up the pieces, sometimes we help them most by stepping back. It's hard, but this is her journey.

We send you our thanks for being the sort of man we really admire and we send you our love and strength.

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