Readers' Speakout

READERS SPEAKOUT
Date rape and helping a daughter
From: LE To: speakout@global.co.za Sent: Friday, June 22, 2007 6:29 PM Subject: advise required please

Good evening

I am sitting here as a shattered mother. After knowing for a long time that my daughters first experience with a boyfriend was awful. Thankfully she had the strength of character to break up with him but I have just discovered how bad it was. He beat her and tried to rape her. I feel that she urgently requires councelling preferably by someone who has been in a similar situation. She does not want us to press charges as his mother is battling cancer. She wants help for herself. We live in north West of Johannesburg. I also want councelling so that I can help Justine, maybe even family councelling. We have told her brother and he is so angry and has his own shattered mixed feelings. My husband would love to kill at this stage and wants to press charges but my daughter is adamant that we must not. I really appreciate your help
Kind regards
LE

SpeakOut!

Th first thing to remember is that this is about J, not about any of you. Do not try to force her to do anything because if you do then you are little better than the man that forced her. It is very, very important to remember this, she needs to do what she feels is right for her, so give her information about counsellors but leave her to make her own decisions.
Clearly however, you, your husband and son feel a need for counselling. It's really good that you recognise this and want to do it. In Johannesburg Family Life has excellent counselling centres with qualified psychologists who are very inexpensive.
The Stop Women Abuse Helpline at Lifeline is excellent and an easy resource if any of you feel stressed and can't cope. They will also have a list of counselling centres closer to you. All of these numbers are in the Johannesburg telephone directory. J is fortunate to have a great caring family and one in which she can confide, but just keep remembering, let her find her own solutions and the rest of you take hers. Also get her dad to go slow on verbalising his anger, if she feels she has hurt him too much, she will clam up, rather keep avenues open where she can express herself and you all singly or together listen to her in a calm way. She also needs you to listen more than to give advice - unless you have been through what she has gone through, you cannot give her clear advice and often you giving advice, kind as though it may feel, may feel to her as though she is being judged. So again - listen, don't get angry in front of her, don't use the words "why" to her (ever), don't say "you should have" or "you should not have". It is good that she told you ensure you handle it in a way that does not clam her up.