Readers' Speakout

READERS SPEAKOUT
Silent Molestation
29th March 2006

----- Original Message ----- From: AL To: speakout@global.co.za Sent: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 9:48 AM Subject: Silent Molestation,etc.

I am a survivor, but I am lost again,because depression is my way of life these days. It is all wrong,but where do we draw the line? I am a silent witness to all types off molestation, a victim who does not have a voice to speak out aloud. My mind had blocked out most off the terrible things, but in vain. It is a everyday life-thing. How can you go on with life when your past is walking with you? Your brain don't want to shut down, it always reminds me about the the things in the past, blocking it again giving way to new visions, in day time when you are working, when you are reading,watching TV, bath time, but the time I hate the most is sleep-time! "I do sleep well,but it follows you where you cannot indentify it, where you are the most vulnurable. You cant see the dream or identify it in the morning,but you now it was there.

We were four children, close but so far apart! My eldest sister was raped, my second eldest sister was molested since kindergarden, I saw it when my brother was molested, my brother molested me and my father was the biggest peeping tom I ever new! I Told my Mother, but she was to scared, ignored the fact that it happened, how could it? She was a punch bag and my father enjoyd it. We all know the facts off verbal abuse, every day. "You are fat, lazy,etc".

I am the little girl again who witness everything. I just want to hide the best I know how, beacause darkness is my friend, but now it is my greatest fear.

The saddest off all, I am just like my father and I cannot control it any longer. I know God is my salvation, but how can I put it right before Him? He know's everything and I do not blame Him, I do not know how to make it acceptable for me? Because I am my Father, the monster and nobody knows it!
I hate him and all men alive. This hate and anger is getting worse and I don't no how to cope with it! Again, a silent witness without a voice.

SpeakOut!

Okay, so you are your father, in what way? Are you abusive, are you a voyeur? You know the first step toward changing bad behaviour is to know that we have a problem. And then of course, we can change things only if we really want to change them. Do you?
That's a really important step.
Your past walks with you as far as you want it to walk withyou. Sometimes we like being victims because it is easier and also we get a lot of attention that way. To be a real survivor is much, much harder because you have to choose to win. To be strong, to be powerful, to not be like those who abuse. Ever.
To hate all men is simply stupid, and you know it. All men are not like your father. To hate is to be as stupid as a rapist. None of us who have been harmed want to be like them. There are many very good men and you and I know it.
You know God gave you the power to be able to write clearly, to express yourself. By writing you have given yourself a voice. For me the point is not to dwell on the past, it happened, you can't change that ... but you can change your future? How much do you want to do that? Tell me which town you are in and I will tell you the names of counselling services in your community.