From: Charles Sent: 15 September 2007 02:10 To: clsmith@global.co.za Subject: Help

Hello again
Well I have tried to get her to go and talk to somebody that can help but she still does not want to, she told me that she is scared that people will treat her as an outcast because of what has happened to her.
I try my utmost to assist her in anyway possible, I talk to her about it when it really makes her unhappy and if I am lucky she will talk back to me but other times she won’t say a word, so I don’t bring it up again.
Is there any other way I may assist her to make her feel better and how would I have to speak to her about the subject without making her unhappy or sad, is there a way to do it.
I tried to Contact Kathy but when I Emailed Her it just said there is a problem so I don’t know how I am going to get hold of her.
Many thanks

SpeakOut!

15 September 2007 10:20

Charles, please tell her that with an average of 1,69million raped a year in SA (according to the SA Law Commission) she is not an outcast, but part of the regrettable norm - at least one in two of us will be raped in our lifetime, very many are raped repeatedly by anything from strangers to brothers, fathers, uncles, grandfathers, bosses, priests, rich men, poor men, hijackers, housebreakers, you name it.

She has a choice, she can remain as a victim and continue getting raped, or she can decide to change her life and ensure this is less likely to happen. At the moment she is enjoying being a victim, it will make her angry to read this, but it is true. Please show her this note Charles, because decisions are hers, not yours, not mine. As someone raped I know how easy it is to be a victim and how pleasant to have people fuss over you,but ultimately people get bored with victims and move on. She will endanger every good thing in her life unless she changes.
These are her choices, we cannot criticise them, we need to counsel her, love her, caution her but ultimately we need to accept her decisions - even if we realise the dangers inherent in that. This is her life and we cannot live it for her.
You have also not phoned the Stop Women Abuse helpline and frankly unless you do things too, there is not a whole lot I can do. You observe that she is not doing certain things my angel, but neither are you - so why is that? It's easy to send emails, pick up the phone and start talking.

You can't "make her feel better" Charles - think of it in this way, if someone broke your leg playing rugby, no amount of nice words from friends will help you "feel better" - you need to get to a doctor and a hospital, for them to set your leg, give you painkillers, put it in a cast and then there is a long uncomfortable period where your leg heals and you find it difficult to get around. People speaking to you and trying to "make you feel better" doesn't make you feel better, it is very nice of them, but it is professional help, and only that, which will help heal your leg. Please stop overestimating what you can do, that is why I suggested you called the SWA helpline because you too need professional help and guidance otherwise your best intentions - and they are certainly wonderful - will be wasted.

In the end, it is only SHE who can help herself. She is blessed to have a loving, good person like you trying to assist but she has to do it. Give her my info, Kathy's info (a rape survivor attached to Lifeline living in the rape survivor's town) and again I am copying this to Kathy so she can contact you direct. Give your girlfriend the Stop Women Abuse help line number but it is UP TO HER to call them, or us, or not. It is HER CHOICE. Rapists remove our choice, what we need from those we love is that they give us space, that they listen more than they speak, that they are people we can trust, who are always reliable, who are simply there.
It helps too that you find out as much as you can about rape and how to help as you are, very admirably doing. In the end Charles, this is her life. These are her choices to make, not yours. If she feels a need to change, to get better, she will. Don't try and push her. She has experienced this over a lot time, there are no quick miracles, no ready changes in situations like this.

You help most in being there to listen. Stop obsessing about it. Stop discussing it. Give her this email and leave it at that. She has to make the choice to change her life for the better. If she does not want to, that is okay too, it is her life, her decisions, if you love her enough you will respect the fact and know that you don't understand, but more than that you will respect and support her right to do what she feels she needs to do or not do.
If you want to call and chat during weekdays you can .

© Speak Out Terms of use