surviving

RELIGION
JUDAISM

"Silence is tantamount to an admission that there is something very wrong" (A basic Talmudic principal)
Hayley Galgut (c) of the Sonnenberg Hoffmann & Galombik Gender Law Unit

Ruth, a qualified teacher who gave up teaching after the birth of her first child, has just taken her 3 children to school, done the grocery shopping on her tight monthly allowance, prepared dinner for her family and lovingly tended to her successful husband David's latest bestowal: five small bruises, hidden by her jersey and situated exactly where his fingers had gripped her arm the previous night as she tried to shield their children from his rage. He never says that he is sorry, never notices the fear in his children's eyes nor how the baby shies away from his touch and David never promises that it won't happen again. As she erases from memory the cruelty of his words, Ruth consoles herself with happier memories but soon recollects social outings where a hushed undertone followed her path and people pretended not to notice the black sunglasses. No-one acknowledged the obvious, no-one offered her a place of refuge or a safe space to talk. No-one realized that far from being intended to mask the testimony to the abuse that lay beneath, the dark glasses were in fact Ruth's silent plea for help. Although Ruth's family had noticed how withdrawn she had become, they, like everyone else, were seduced by David's charm and his financial success. As the wife of David, Ruth feared being ostracized by the community should the truth be revealed and she trusted that David was correct when he told her that no-one would ever believe her. Michael is 47. He has recently been retrenched and, notwithstanding a concerted effort on his part, is struggling to find new employment. He is suffering from depression and believes his wife when she tells him that he is incompetent and worthless, that no-one will want or respect him and that he is a failure. She belittles him both privately, in front of the children, and in public. Michael doesn't feel able to talk to her about how her behavior towards him makes him feel or how he needs her support no matter how small his successes. He was always a responsible husband and father and, until recently, successfully provided for his family, maintaining a comfortable standard of living. Michael worries that in seeking advice or discussing his feelings he will be viewed as weak and as having failed his family, regardless of his success as a loving father and husband.

Sara is 20yrs old. Her boyfriend, Adam, has just called for the fourth time since she returned home from university this afternoon. He says that he is concerned for her safety and that he worries about her when he doesn't know where she is or whom she is with. He says that she should only spend time with people he approves of and that she does not spend enough time with him. He says that she is his everything and that he wants to take care of her forever. He says that is the reason for his possessiveness, unfounded jealousy and continual accusations of infidelity. Adam also says that Sara should take better care of herself, watch what she eats and refrain from wearing tight or revealing clothing as it will be seen as an invitation to other men. When Sara protests or asserts herself Adam says that it is a sign of disrespect and that she doesn't love him. Sara is too scared to end the relationship as she is fearful of what his reaction will be and that he may harm her, himself or someone else.

Julia is 11 years old and lives with her parents and younger brother Daniel. Her parents argue loudly almost every night while she and Daniel hide in their bedroom, closing their door in order to shut out the pain. When the fighting starts Daniel cries himself to sleep while Julia retreats into an imaginary world she has created as a safe haven in her mind where she can be happy and where no harm can come to her. Julia worries about her parents, her little brother and the stability of her family unit. She suffers from nightmares, has difficulty concentrating at school and relating to her peers. Her teachers think that she is lazy and needs disciplining while Julia needs all her energy just to cope. She is too scared to tell anyone because she doesn't want to be the cause of any more arguments between her parents and is worried that she and Daniel will be taken from their home. Julia tells herself that if she is good and remains silent the fighting will eventually stop.

Few South Africans will be unaware of the scourge of violence against women and children in our country and, in particular, the violence perpetrated in the private sphere of the home.

Yet, there exists a perception in the Jewish community that our community is somehow immune and that it doesn't happen in Jewish homes. Unfortunately, domestic violence occurs at all levels of society, including the Jewish community, affecting women of all ages, cultures, races, religions, classes and backgrounds and although its victims are neither exclusively women and children nor are the perpetrators solely male, women and children form the majority of those affected.

Its effect is not only the very real physical, emotional and economic disempowerment of its victims but also it poses a direct threat to the stability of the wider family unit and negatively impacts on the spirit of the community as a whole. This sentiment is echoed in the Preamble to the 1999 South African Domestic Violence Act wherein domestic violence is described as a serious social evil and its victims recognized as amongst the most vulnerable members of society.

Although domestic violence challenges society at every level it is generally shrouded in secrecy, termed private or hidden, it is said, to protect the families of both victims and abusers and to preserve a semblance of shalom bayit (peace in the home). In fact, many women express disbelief upon discovering that they are not alone in their experience and that others in the community share the same silent pain.

The silence of women themselves may be attributed to the strong identification of Jewish women with their traditional roles as care-givers and peace keepers, a misunderstanding of what constitutes domestic violence and the perpetuation of the myths relating thereto. Accordingly, it is imperative that myths regarding domestic violence be dispelled, including the notions that Jewish men are not abusive, women who remain in abusive relationships probably on some level want to be abused or alternatively deserve it or require disciplining. It should be stated emphatically that submission is not tantamount to consent, if anything women generally submit out of fear; the fear of being punished further if they fight back, of losing their children or their homes and especially that no one will believe or support them. Furthermore, the notion that women who are abused or who leave abusive relationships have somehow failed in their traditional roles should be vehemently denied.

The Domestic Violence Act provides for many types of protection and is being used increasingly as a powerful protective weapon in the hands of victims of domestic abuse. Significantly, the Act recognizes that domestic violence is not merely physical abuse but that very often the scars are internal or alternatively well hidden. In terms of the Act, domestic violence includes:

physical and sexual abuse (such as unwanted touches or sexual activity, inappropriate sexual attention, incest or molestation),

emotional, verbal and psychological abuse (including continual insults, threats, humiliation, intimidation, withholding of love and affection, lack of support, jealousy and possessiveness, restricting of freedom of association and general isolation),

intimidation, harassment and stalking, damage to property, and economic abuse (which includes unreasonably withholding money or resources from a person to which she is legally entitled including household necessities, bond repayments and rent for a shared residence as well as obstruction of property, forced dependency through the control of family income and bank accounts and the misuse of family income for drugs, alcohol, debts or gambling).

Indicators of the existence of domestic violence include continuously walking on eggshells for fear of angering or upsetting one's partner, feeling threatened and being too afraid to leave the relationship for fear of what one's partner might do to oneself, him or herself or to someone else. Women in abusive relationships often change their lives in an effort to avoid doing anything that may anger their partners, blame themselves and apologize to others for their partner's behavior.

Abusers commonly show extreme jealousy and possessiveness, switch from charm to anger without warning, blame others for their actions, withdraw love, money or approval as punishment, undermine their partners feelings or accomplishments, isolate their partners from friends and family and very often engage in alcohol or drug abuse. Abusers often have unrealistic expectations of their loved ones and become very dependent on their partners and or children for all their physical and emotional needs. They may also control all aspects of family life including finances and the extent of family participation in certain events be they cultural, religious, work related or social.

According to the Act, domestic violence may be perpetrated by (ex)marital partners, (ex)live-in partners (including same sex partners), someone with whom the victim parented a child but never married, any family member (including step and adopted family), someone with whom the victim had an actual or perceived romantic, intimate or sexual relationship, regardless of the duration thereof or any person who now lives with or has in the past lived with the victim.

Women are often disempowered by not being able to support themselves and their families on their own and by having to rely on their partners for money. This situation prevents many women from breaking the silence and condemning domestic violence because they feel that they have nowhere to go and no way of supporting themselves. Furthermore, many women are not aware of existing support structures both within the Jewish community and legally which can help to them to empower and protect themselves and their children.

Joan Rubinstein and Debby Silver of The Women's Resource Centre at the Union of Jewish Women feel that it is important that the community acknowledge the existence of domestic violence in Jewish homes. As part of their work at the centre, Joan and Debbie co-ordinate educational workshops to create a heightened awareness of this issue and run support groups for community members in difficult relationships as well as providing confidential counselling for individuals/couples in need. They feel that it is important to recognise the difficulty experienced by women, but especially by Jewish women living in a small community, in coming forward and being exposed. According to Hannah Rosenberg, a clinical social worker in Israel and expert on domestic violence in the Jewish community, research has shown while it generally takes non-Jewish women 7 years to leave abusive relationships, for the reasons outlined above, it generally takes Jewish women double that and even then it is only when they truly fear for their lives or for the safety of their children.

With regard to legal protection, the Domestic Violence Act enables victims of domestic violence or someone else with an interest in the victim's well being (including a family member, police officer, teacher or health worker) to apply to the Magistrate's Court in the area where the victim lives, where the abuse occurred or where the abuser lives or works for a lifetime protection order in terms whereof any dangerous weapons in the abuser's possession may be confiscated, the abuser may be ordered to pay rent or mortgage payments and/or emergency monetary relief for losses suffered because of the abuse (including loss of earnings, medical costs, moving or accommodation expenses and household necessities) and to refrain from threatening or contacting the victim(s). Applying for a protection order is free and one does not need legal representation.

Abusers may however oppose the granting of a protection order but if granted, the abuser may be fined or jailed for up to 5 years if the order is contravened.
None of us is immune to domestic violence. We as the community need to work together to change the perceptions of abusers and prevent the secondary abuse of victims by a community that has traditionally silenced its victims and in so doing has in fact protected their abusers. Through acknowledging the existence of domestic violence in Jewish homes we will succeed in creating a safe space and system of support for its victims.

Accordingly, we need to break the silence and to address the misconceptions surrounding domestic violence, its various forms, its victims and its perpetrators in order to end the cycle of abuse and place the shame where it truly belongs; not with the victims but with their abusers.
It is important to state that being a victim of domestic abuse is not a sign of worthlessness. Rather in each person subjected to domestic abuse there should be recognised the soul and strength of a survivor.

BY: Hayley Galgut (c) of the Sonnenberg Hoffmann & Galombik Gender Law Unit Should you require further information or assistance contact SHG's Gender Law Unit in Cape Town.