stories

SURVIVOR'S STORIES
GANG RAPE - BRENDA From: "Brenda Nikki Black"
Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2001 12:46:38 -0500

I am still not over what happened to me. Worse, I don't know how I fit in.
During my divorce which began November 30, 1992, I found myself one night coming to on an interstate highway after crashing into a retaining wall. I could not move because my back and neck were wrenched from my car seat breaking after the collision. I was groggy and semi aware of what was going on. A policeman was yelling at me to open the door. He was yelling at me. I was frightened and confused.

Finally, I unlocked the car. They pulled me out through the back of my van because I could not move. They took me to the hospital and x-rayed my back and neck. There were no obvious breaks. When they took me back to the emergency room to take more tests, blood, etc., the police officer began talking to me telling me that I should not take a blood test or they would charge me for a DWI. He convinced me that with no broken bones, I was not in danger and should leave. He asked me to give him a name of a friend to call. When she got there the two of them walked me out of the hospital.

It was like a nightmare. I actually thought I was drunk. I believed it because the police officer convinced me that I was. I had been at a BBQ and I remember having a margarita.
But, there was something haunting me. I kept having flashes of men holding me down in the back of my van. The woman that befriended me prior to the BBQ was helping them. Why couldn't I remember anything after arriving and these 3 men approaching us that my new friend wanted so much to meet. I don't remember "drinking". I could barely remember the men approaching. I could barely remember their faces, names, and absolutely NO conversation.

I remember her saying that she wanted to leave almost as soon as they were arriving. Why did she want to park where we parked, so isolated and off the beaten path. I remembered them parked there too. Why did she insist that we drive separately?

If I tried to tell anyone about what I remembered, I would be considered crazy and delusional. I kept having nightmares about men holding me down trying to take my clothes off.
This is what I remember: A female friend begged me to meet her at a country western dance bar so that she could meet with a new boyfriend that she was absolutely crazy about. When I arrived, she had a drink waiting for me. About half-way through the drink, she suddenly needed to call him because he was not there as he said he would be. She was almost in tears. She came back acting like she had lost her best friend and wanted to go home immediately. I followed behind her to leave as well.
Standing in the doorway was a sleaze, that I had met before. He began talking to me, I remember that much. My next memory was coming to in the back of my van they had put the seats down in the back of my van and stripped me naked. They smeared my menstrual blood all over my body. He, pushed back his cowboy hat, still smirking... "well, I see you're up...now if you think you can get yourself home this time without having another car accident, I'll be on my way. oh.. by the way.. I thank you, and all your new friends thank you..." He tipped his hat and shut the door. I was feeling nausea and fear.. and anger... and total confusion!

I cried all the way home... stopping at a closed gas station by my home that had a vending machine. I bought a can of 7-up to wash my face and hands. I got into my shower at home and washed myself for what seemed like hours. My nightmares continued, now with two events. Two events that to this day haunt me.
I will never know what those people did to me on those two occassions, I now know I was drugged.. I only remember flashes. I have no friends, I do not go out much at all, I stay to myself with anger... so much anger...
You may use my story to assist others. If my story helps others, perhaps I can heal a part of me that struggles. Yes, you may use my real name. I am not ashamed of my story. I am not the responsible party. I am a victim who choses to champion her life without fear. That doesn't come over night. I have made a lot of strides in that area, and continue to progress. I am not there, yet. But, I will get there.
"keep your troubles in your pockets"...I was taught, that way they are close to you when you feel afraid. You don't have to look over your shoulder to wonder where the trouble is...or wonder why you feel sad or angry for no apparent reason. Most people try to forget their troubles and pretend they don't exist. They are the ones with many haunting shadows, or worse, the ones who run straight into another oncoming train without a plan. I had a lot of counseling which comes in handy now. God finally gave me too much. I almost didn't make it. Thank God, for my children.

There are those that will lurk in shadows to hurt you. But, it does need to be kept in perspective so that I/we can live. If we stop living, they take it all. They aren't lurking anymore! They are controlling! Like a puppeteer...If I let any of it consume me, I will have too many faces pulling me into oblivion, and sadly lose my identity, my self, my life. I WON'T ALLOW THAT! So, my anger is healthy in that it keeps me focused on the truth. My pockets are deep WITH MY ANGER, but I am learning how to smooth them out so that you can't see them, and I can't feel them until I need them. I am not hiding my anger or my pain. I am organizing it.

Brenda Woronuk-Black