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SURVIVOR'S
STORIES My name is Debbie, I am 46 years old. I was sexually abused by my stepfather over a period of 6 years, starting when I was 7. This is a crime so common that it scarcely elicits interest anymore. It is very difficult to describe what this crime does inside. For me, 39 years after the fact, I'd say the most pervasive, damaging effect was what I call the "thingness", being reduced to a thing. For your personhood to be so utterly without consequence. The impotent rage that exacerbates the feeling of inconsequence. It comes back to me all the time. I wish I could tell you it didn't, but it does. I am married, and I love my husband dearly. None the less, if he comes up from behind and puts a hand on my buttocks, I have to master a sudden savage urge to totally smash his face. When I tell the story of my experience, I take comfort in clinically flat detail. The option is to babble incoherently, and the force of emotion is unbearable to all but the clinically trained. I have periodically sought therapy for clinical depression. My mother and father were both melancholy people. I do not believe my depression is entirely related to the crime against me, I think it likely I am genetically predisposed. Every time I ask for help, I am expected to relive every stinking detail of my stepfather's acts and interests. This has, on occasion, created far more turmoil in my life than the original depression. I am not saying therapy hasn't been helpful to me , because it has, but you can expect a lot of fallout in your personal life during therapy. Sometimes I have been at odds with the therapeutic process. There was a group I attended once a week for 12 weeks. Sort of a "12 step" program for child abuse victims. It was very powerful to meet with so many others whose stories were as bad or worse. However, the therapists who over saw our meetings were strong on the idea that healing comes from forgiveness. I CAN'T DO THAT. To me, that is like doing to myself what he did to me: "...oh, what you did to me, that's OK; I'm just a thing, think nothing of it..." NEVER, it will never happen. I will never surrender my self and my worth to that man's pathology. That brings me to another point on which we agree; it is also a crime to blame this sort of thing on men in general. Unlike some women, I have not become distrustful of men in general. I think rapists are pathetic impotent scum so afraid of women that they derive their satisfaction from destroying a woman from the inside out...the sex act is just the weapon. Real men are not like that. Rape is a twisted act of evil that wounds with an act of love, tainting the highest expression of trust with the memory of anxiety, fear, and degradation. It has ruined my relationships with husbands and lovers, strained friendships, injured my family. Thirty three years have passed since I was last victimized. My husband and I have a good life together, we own our home and are happy, but the crimes committed against me still affect my life on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. I wish I could change that, he deserves so much better. The best weapon I have found to help myself is strict "mental hygiene". I had a terrible time with unbidden memories and images, especially at work or while shopping. I came to think of that as giving another piece of my life to that monster. That helped me start to gain control. Then I started thinking about the continuum of time, i.e., the past is a series of nows, so I better be having a good time NOW! Otherwise, he wins; he gets my whole life, and I refuse to have that be the case. I don't stuff my emotions, I don't practice denial, but if I catch myself pointlessly wandering through my "little shop of horrors", I ask myself what that has to do with the task at hand. It has made my inner life a much better place. If you would like to contact Debbie please e-mail mcdanel_1771@yahoo.com
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