stories

SURVIVOR'S STORIES
Dions story

Dion, Johannesburg, South Africa: I’m a man, but first and foremost I try to be as good a person as anyone else would.
Yet once I heard from my girlfriend (Judith*) that before we had met, she had been raped, this tore every ounce of manhood I felt and inside I felt every emotion amplify, more so when I learned the same thing happened to another close friend who had been molested between the ages of 3-13. We are all somebody’s relative, colleague, lover or friend and even though I’ve always known how this could affect those around me, only now could I understand the reality and extent of how.

Before she told me, Judith and I had broken up, we remained friends and still do. We met for coffee to talk, just another day at another coffee shop, we chatted over numerous topics and friends. As we talked the subject of a dark joke between mutual friends came up, which led to the topic of abused/raped women and children. It was around this point that I sensed there was something from the past which pushed at what we‘re discussing. That was when I asked upfront what had happened, time slowed to a standstill as Judith* recounted the details to me of her rape a year earlier.

The intrusion, waking up, the rapist, the rape, details of a botched investigation as well as numerous drugs including those to prevent HIV. If I appeared outwardly calm, it was by sheer effort, inside every emotion and question raged, anger, frustration, pain, grief and confusion.
Afterwards I dropped Judith at a friend, my drive home was slow and I had to pull over to throw up. Why? Wasn’t there anything she could have done? Who could be so twisted to do this? Judith* never hurt anyone, so how could this happen? Could I find this coward, could I squeeze the last breath from him? Why the hell am I so helpless?
These were a lot of the thoughts going through my mind then, she was and is the most beautiful person in the world to me, and here I was selfishly consumed in my own grief feeling totally and utterly powerless.

Once home I went straight to bed and thought for a long time, knowing that as a man, as a person I must have the backbone to deal with everything and be there 24-7 as a pillar of support. Although we were no longer together as a couple, in that moment I think Judith* and I were closer than at any other time and our friendship stronger for it.

Despite the trauma Judith* had endured and even though she may have her moments, she has risen above it and can walk tall, her family and friends have been phenomenal in their support and her own strength of character is testament to this. What happened does not define Judith* or anyone else, it highlights the strength of relationship of those around her; she is now considering training as a counsellor for other survivors who might not have the grace of similar support.
That in itself shows that she or anyone in a similar vein is NOT a victim nor to a degree a survivor but more of a thriver. I don’t see Judith* any different, I feel a deeper understanding but she is and always be the same special person, in some ways more beautiful now.

Part of this is due to the continued support of those of us around her, to draw on my or whoever’s strength and comfort for whenever she needs support, and that is what you have to do as a man as a human! This helped me deal with a friend who recently shared with me that she was molested/raped between the ages of 3-13. If you allow yourself to detach and withdraw, then do it completely otherwise have the backbone to be there for the person you truly care for, don’t put your own emotions on them to deal with.

Reading up and talking to others I can see that many others have had similar experiences, rape is not confined to a specific gender, religion or colour, it happens everywhere .

What’s amazing is the extent of how people (men and women) are willing to help, understand and support. There are a lot of statistics on rape and in general people want to hear about it and to make a difference as well.
My own conclusion, which is shared by others, is that rape has absolutely nothing to do with power; it is a purely evil, spineless and cowardly act, void of any humanity.

Nearly two months down the line and I’m still here, I’ve thought of what happened so many times, every time I read Judith’s* story I still cry, it reminds me that I’m still human and keeps my emotion alive.
I was not around when it happened and I can’t for certain say how I would have taken it if I had, but I wasn’t so it’s not to dwell on, we live in the now and the future, that will make our past.
It’s natural to think why, to want to track down the perpetrator, to blame someone or even question whether it could/should have been prevented, get it out of your system with someone else and put those issues to rest and be there for the one who will from time to time want/need your love and support, sometimes you will need to let them be with themselves, but always be there with your arms open. It may sound cliché, but by doing this it will make you both and those affected stronger than ever, other day to day things will be in perspective and a greater appreciation of the sweetness of life.
Think back by all means, but don’t dwell keep true within and all the precious moments will give you a newfound perspective that can only be positive.