stories

SURVIVOR'S STORIES
HEATHER'S STORY

My story really begins when i was two, it is not the bulk of the story, but it does start there.
My mother was dating a man, she never left me alone with him, but, one day she needed to run just two blocks away for something form the grocery store, so she left me with him in our home for about 15 or 20 minutes.
When she returned I was crying, he said I had disobeyed him and he had spanked me with a hair brush.
Years later at 17, I began to realize I had been molested when I was small. I do not remember the act, I remember him coming towards me while I was cornered on the bed,
I remember becoming physically ill when we used to visit him after that day. I remember seeing pictures of him years later in a photo album and becoming physically ill then too.
I told my mother what I suspected, and asked her who it was. She told me about this guy, about the hairbrush thing, and about how shortly after that he had told her he was "into little girls", at which point she stopped seeing him. Coming to the realization I had been sexually abused, even if I could not remember the act itself, made sense of some things that i had done as a child.
Things I would do with other children, that Ishouldn't have even really had knowledge of.

Fast forward, I ever could deal with boys, then men very well, Icouldn't connect, I did not date.
I met a man when Iwas 22. he was affectionate, called me beautiful, and said he loved me. He was my first relationship, first kiss...
I had always believed that sex was something I anted to wait for 'il marriage. I had made this clear, but, being human, Idid, however,fool around with him a lot. One day we were in bed, naked, fooling around, I was in the glow of sexual excitement, and he just went ahead and entered me, I told him no, I told him I did not want to do that. he just smiled and kept going. I sometimes think because I was in that glowing state is why he didn't take me seriously. I did not fight him, or get upset at the time. But I knew I did not want it.
Afterward I felt violated, but, my virginity was gone, so it began to not matter to me, and I engaged in consensual sex with him. I was in love. But I also was desperate thinking no other man would want me, so I clung to him even tho' he had done something that made me feel so violated. I married him shortly afterwards.
Within the first year of our marriage, he hit me for the first time. I fought back, I gave as much as he did. I was confused, I did not know if it was me being abused or mutual abuse or what.
Over the years I always fought back. I never abused him emotionally or physically, except in defense, but even when he was saying horrible things to me, I did not do the same. I became disabled with fibromyalgia, depression, and arthritis. I became somewhat agoraphobic, and came do depend upon my husband for everything, money, food, care.
One day I accidentally fell while we were arguing, I needed help up, he did not want to get out of his recliner and help me, I began to cry, and he got up stormed into the kitchen, where I was, then grabbed the loaded shotgun he used for deer hunting and pointed it at me saying "stop crying before I blow your fucking head off!"
It's strange. I had such a calmness come over me in that moment. I found a strength. I was calm and I talked him down from his rage and took the gun away.
Guns were removed from the house after that day.
He mellowed out alot after that incident, was far less verbally abusive, and not physically at all anymore.
Because i had grown immobile he took care of me lovingly, worked alot to make ends meet, came home and took care of me, even, when I was at my worse, sponge bathes.
His doctor put him on anti-depression/anxiety meds. I got on meds for depression.
And things were very good for two years. I had two good years of an eleven year marriage. But in his "taking care of me" and "love" he had also been doing something else for years, I had always been overweight, but when I met him i was active and healthy. I ate pretty normally, and me being overweight was something my doctor couldn't understand. he tested me quite a bit looking for a medical reason. None was found.
My ex husband, is essentially what is known as a "feeder", he would put food in front of me, large amounts, that increased in size over the years. More and more, and because I was agoraphobic, I lost perspective, the only person I ate with was him and he ate the same way.
It was always fast food, junk food in huge quantities. I gained so much weight when I was married, I was close to 500 pounds at my heaviest.
Then in 2003 he abruptly quit his medications. He spiraled into a withdrawn depression. He cheated on me. He told me he wanted to split and told me he had been trying to find ways or another person to kill me.
I still loved him and didn't take it seriously and said I could forgive him, let's get counseling. He went away for two days, tried to drink and drug himself to death, literally, he had been sober for 12 years, and threw it away. When it didn't kill him he came home. I took him to a mental health clinic for evaluation, which he used as a way to finally tell me he was serious about splitting, threatening suicide.
I was completely dependent upon him in every way at that point. He attempted suicide several times tween then and when we divorced, he would come back and go again, between girlfriends between when I left, and the divorce was final. I thought I couldn't live without him, and his help.
But, i did.

In fact, I flourished.

It's been 3 years since my divorce. I have overcome depression via therapy and medication. I am overcoming the health problems via medical care and because I have lost over 200 pounds thanks to gastric bypass. I still have about 70 to go at this writing (April 2007), but I am mobile, I am active, and I have a life that is independent. I took a two year hiatus from men, from dating, even flirting.
The first year after the divorce I was a wreck. I worked on myself. On my emotional health and my physical health. I still have fibromyalgia, depression and arhtritis, but they are very much under control and I function fine.I have grown very strong in the last three years.
I now know what I want in a relationship, in a man, and I know I will never be victimized again.
I also finally found my passion in life, writing, I had always defined myself as the reflection of my ex. I now define myself as a writer, a strong woman, and a free spirit.
I am a survivor.
I am strong.
And i am sure that one day a good relationship will come along.
I am also sure that if any man ever speaks one word of abuse, ever even begins to hurt me I will be history, vapor.
I have self respect. I also know i am beautiful and worthy of love without abuse, and of a good man to love me some day.
Heather Meadows (37)
Heather has a website. www.heatherondo.com