SURVIVOR'S STORIES
jessica's story 
My name is Jessica and I am now 20 years of age, I was sexually abused by my oldest brother from the age of 5 up until I was 10yrs old. It has taken quite some time to finally sit down and write my story, but here goes?
My days at high school had began, but little did I know what was about to unfold in those years of my life. I remember sitting in a class on sex education. I honestly knew very little about sex, my mother was not one of those people who told me about the birds and the bees, I had to figure out by listening to other people talk about it. The class carried on with the topic, then images started pouring in my head, I felt my face turn snow white. My classmates were giggling after someone made a comment 'imagine doing it with your sibling, how disgusting.' I turned cold and the pieces of a puzzle started to form in my head.
I can remember certain events when things happened to me. I can recall exactly what the weather was like on the days that my brother use to fondle me. I can recall the first time vividly remembering the weather was scorching hot, we were in the garage, the sofas were getting recovered and for some reason they were in the garage, we had made little caves with a sheet draped over the sofas. Then he showed me his penis and told me I could touch it, then he said I must not tell my mom about any of this, and then he started touching my genitals. The sensation was good, I wasn't scared, this was my oldest brother who is seven years my senior. This is the person I trust and have been taught to look up to and expect to protect me. It occured sometimes in his bedroom, sometimes in mine, on holiday at the beach, at my Gran's house, in the garden and in the garage. I eventually spoke out about what had happened to a good friend, who I use just about lived at her house until my mom came home from work, to avoid being left alone with my brother. I starting seeing the school counsellor, then passed onto a social worker and another. I gave up with counselling after being passed from one person to the next who could handle my situation better. I had a difficult time trying to talk about things that had happened, I was overwhelmed with shame that I couldn't get the words to form in my mouth. That frustrated me so much not being able to talk about the past. I had a confrontational meeting with my mom and a social worker to come out with this. My mom believed me, then I said I wanted to confront my brother. Then my world turned upside down. My mother didn't believe me, she said I was lying, that I was seeking attention and that I couldn't do anything like this to my brother as he was very sensitive and unstable.
I went through such depression that suicide became an option in my rational thinking. I was suffering so much trying to figure out if there were more times that this happened. I was flooded with flashbacks and trying to piece together what this all meant. The questions of 'why' were tearing me up inside out. This stage in my life was so dark, I felt I had dug this enormous hole, which I wanted to live in for the rest of my life. I felt numb to anything and everything, I started scratching my wrists out of sheer desperation. If there's such a place as hell that experience was exactly what I thought hell was.
I met an inspirational person who gave me a glimmer of hope, her words of encouragement pulled me out of that hole. Someone to listen to me was all I needed, just that tiny bit of support made all the difference in my life.
A year ago my oldest brother got happily drunk one afternoon and spat out an apology to me. That moment in my life froze, my skin was stone cold, my heart was ready to jump out my body as it was pounding so hard. He blamed my mother for what happened, the divorce of my parents. He told me if I needed to yell scream and shout at him I must. Words couldn't form in my mouth I told him to leave it for now I couldn't cope and I felt I was completely and utterly in shock. Everything was real, it wasn't my imagination playing awful tricks on me. This was real and he had taken responsibility for his actions. I wrote him a letter telling him I accept his apology, I explained all the emotional anguish I went through. I didn't want revenge, I didn't want to physically harm him. I didn't want to punish him for the past. I didn't want to ask why, I didn't want to know exactly how many times it happened. I didn't want to put my feet in his shoes and feel what he felt. I told him if he ever touches another child that way, so help him God! I did tell him how I felt all those years, that I was moving on with my life, I was strong and brave to get through this and I wanted him to get on with his life and not waste it anymore than he already had. And I did tell him I still loved him, after he is my brother as horrible as it was to endure that suffering, I still loved him as my brother.
There are symptoms and signs for sexual abuse, but in my case I was keeping a secret and I was good at keeping that secret that I didn't show any signs that I have read about in books. A child will show things if they are wanting help. Sexual abuse happens all the time, it doesn't matter what the circumstances are, it doesn't depend on what socially classed background you come from. It doesn't matter what gender you are, it doesn't matter what colour you are. Its taking place all the time in poor families, wealthy families, single parent homes. I believe the statistics don't give a clear indication on sexual abuse, incest and molestation is still swept under the carpet and it's not spoken out in full as it concerns peoples reputations and it involves people we love and care about.
I will admit that I still have up and down phases. I am still receiving counselling. But hell, I've made it this far and there's absolutely nothing that will ever take me back to that depression. The one thing I will say, speak out and seek that help which is available. Counsellors can help. It's difficult but considering you have already gone through the abuse and now a survivor with a mission on your mind to be strong and make it through this difficult patch. My light shines brighter every day. Hold onto that glimmer of light and be strong.
 

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