stories

SURVIVOR'S STORIES
Judith's Story:

I'm a rape survivor. A daughter, granddaughter, sister, best friend, niece, girl friend. My family and friends are also survivors of rape - mine. As anybody who has had any experience with this knows, a rape obviously does not just affect the person who it happened to. It affects everybody around them to a huge extent.

In the early hours of a Friday morning in December 2003, I woke up to find a stranger standing beside my bed, quietly looking at me. The horror of this moment will stay with me for a long time. Nothing can prepare you that, I'd thought before of what I would do if I had to land up in this type of situation, doesn't every woman think what her personal reaction would be? But until you're actually there, living it, I don't think that you can truly say.

My blood was pounding in my ears so hard, I could hear nothing else. A fog of panic curled around my brain, and rational thought was almost completely wiped out. For a minute I thought I was still asleep. My brain was screaming at me to move, jump up, shout, defend myself. But my body was still, so still. In my head, I was screaming as loudly as I possibly could, and I tried to voice the scream, but a strangled little shout was pretty much all that came out. So many thoughts rushed through my head so quickly. How did he get in? I have bars at the window and chains on the door, I live in a secure complex in a small town with electric fencing and remote controlled gates. How could this be happening? How could I escape? My mind flashed through all the possibilities, but I knew that my own security measures in the house would not give me the time that I needed to get out of my bedroom, get my house keys, open the locks, and get out. All these thoughts and so much more were happening so quickly. Some part of my mind was registering the fact that while he was being forceful to keep me quiet, he was not being overly aggressive, and I remembered what I'd heard ? if you aren't sure that you can make a clean escape, then keep calm. Try to keep the situation as calm and as non-violent as possible. I knew without a doubt that there was no way I could reach and unlock the front door without being caught up with, and all the windows are completely covered with security bars. So I talked to him; I told him that there was money in the house - I'd drawn a lot of cash from the ATM the previous night - a cellphone, the front door keys next to my bed were his to take. And he talked back to me, very quietly, whispering all the time. But all the talking in the world couldn't stop him from doing what he obviously came into my house to do. I believe that his intention was to rape. What he took from the house - some money, my cellphone, a small radio - seemed more of an afterthought because I'd mentioned these things. He took my handbag from the bedroom, concerned that it held a firearm (which it didn't), but left it outside the house, with my ID book, more money, make-up and charge cards, all neatly laid out on the ground underneath my kitchen window.

He left my house as quietly as he came in, through the lounge window, which has bars; the spaces are 20 x 18cm I believe. He was a small man, but not overly so, and exactly how he got through those bars without making a noise is still a mystery to me. This was obviously somebody who had done this before and was not at all rushed or concerned about the fact. It's still difficult for me to believe that he managed to get in through that window; it's difficult for everybody to believe.

That was the beginning of a long, and on-going, process. I stayed in bed, as I had been told to for a good 10 minutes, until I could not hear no more movement in the house, then scrambled for my front door keys, which he'd left where they were, beside the bed. I ran straight out of the house and over to my neighbor, a woman who I didn't know all that well at all before that morning. I phoned my parents and phoned the police. My parents live up the street from my apartment complex and my Dad was there in five minutes, Mom not far behind him. Finding the words to tell my father that I had been raped was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my whole life. We have a strong relationship, it wasn't embarrassment that made it difficult, just the fact that I knew that the words would be devastating.

That first day was passed in complete and utter shock. Flashing scenes of police cars in my driveway, curious neighbors leaving for work, a dirty public hospital, arguments with nurses & doctors, more police, tears, more police, blood tests, medications, seeing my mother on the phone knowing that she was talking to my boyfriend, knowing that my sister, my closest girlfriend, other family members and so many other people would be hearing about what had happened over a telephone at their desks at work & at home. A normal Friday morning had just been blown apart for so many people.

Six months have passed since then. I've now had the experience of being on a course of anti-HIV drugs, an ordeal on its own. Being on AZT is a scary experience; the side-effects are terrifying, just reading about them is enough to make you ill. Nausea, headaches, muscle cramps are the least of it, but it's a Catch-22 situation - how can you not take this course of medication? You have to in my eyes, you don't have much of a choice in the matter. Of course, you can choose your attitude toward what's happening to you, but choose the medication you have to take, take the chance of not taking the drugs and coming up HIV positive? I couldn't take that chance, no matter how ill the medication made me feel. Thankfully, I have now had my final blood tests and have tested negative for any STD's or HIV.

Six months later and I'm beginning to understand how to deal with all of this. I understand that there are a lot of people out there willing to help, willing to listen. The support which myself and my family received from friends, family and work colleagues was, and still is, simply amazing. A lot of people are ready to hear and willing to be informed about the statistics of rape in this country - men as well as woman - a lot of people are willing to open their eyes and ears and see what is happening and listen to how we feel about it.

Rape is a life-changing experience, it's not just the rape itself, it's the realization that I could have been killed that night, and that changed my outlook forever. It made me look at life in new ways. It made me think about things and the joy of being alive in new ways. I feel that since the rape, I have found myself in so many ways; I have found that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. My relationships with my family and friends, strong relationships to begin with, are stronger than ever now. I appreciate every little thing so much more and every moment is precious.

I've let go of some old issues and have started focusing less on the past and more on the things around me now, in this moment. After all, it's the here and now that's really important isn't it? Not what has happened to you in the past. What happened to me does not define me, and I refuse to let those 45 minutes or so affect the rest of my time here on earth. I think we all need to drag out the old skeletons from the closet sometimes and re-asses their roles in our lives. We need to check again and see if the issues we once thought were great big solid bones have not maybe settled down into dust over time. Why cart all the hurt and pain around every day if it's really not necessary after all? Why not lay it to rest? I accept that what has happened has happened and nothing is ever going to change that, and while I will never forget it, I will not let it cast a shadow over my whole life. To what purpose should I torment myself with past scenarios? Why should I carry the baggage of hatred and anger in my heart and soul? I won't. I don't believe it would benefit the rest of my life, or make it better in any way. I don't know who the man is who was in my room that night and I don't know where he is, but I know that being angry and raging against this fact will not affect his life at all. Only mine. And to be honest, I have better things to do.

As I begin to accept myself again and re-align my life to my new outlook, and not fight so hard against past memories, I find that the days become so much smoother. Yes, I have weird thoughts at times, and no, I am not always happy with my actions and reactions, but I am learning to deal with it all and live with it all, and by doing so feel as if I have been reborn and am looking at the world with fresh, new eyes. This time we have here on earth that we are conscious of, the here and now, is so precious. It's the only thing we know for sure: that we are here and alive right now. So why waste that precious time second-guessing past & future actions? The past is what it was and the future is what it will be. Just being true to myself in the moment is all I can do right now, and I feel that if you are true to yourself in the here and now, the past will not hold any regrets nor will the future hold any worries. I've found that I'm able to take that chance and look at the world from a new angle: standing up and with my head held high