stories

SURVIVOR'S STORIES
TRACEY'S STORY

It was Saturday the 4th of September 1999 - a Saturday that started out just like any other, but ended as a living nightmare. I had been out, coming home to an empty house. I had always felt safe living in a high security townhouse complex with electric fencing and a 24 hour security guard. I guess that feeling of security was totally misplaced - there was a man waiting for me in an alcove next to my front door with a gun. Before I was even aware that he was there I had a gun pointed in my face. I don't think that I will ever get over that initial shock, I was always one of those people who thought "it'll never happen to me", but now it was happening to me. Then came the absolute overwhelming fear - fear that took over my whole being, paralysing me. I'm still not totally clear as to what exactly happened in those first few moments. Somehow he ended up behind me, with the gun pointed in the back of my head. He instructed me to open the door, which I somehow managed to do, despite the fact that there seemed to be no connection between my brain and my body. Once I had the door open he told me to deactivate the alarm system. Now came my first choice - I could enter the incorrect code thereby activating the alarm and almost certainly cause him to pull the trigger, or I could enter the correct code and live. I chose to live. He took me through into the lounge area, sat me down on the couch and blindfolded me. At that stage my mind was going at a mile a minute, trying to come up with an escape plan - I thought that I could probably make it through into the kitchen in the dark where there was a panic button. I wasn't sure where he was at that stage but I could hear him moving furniture around, so I took my chances and made a dash for the kitchen. He moved faster than I did and grabbed me before I even got halfway to the kitchen. He sat me back down on the couch, put the gun against my head and said, "If you move again I will kill you". I didn't move again. Then he sat down on the couch next to me, told me to sit on the floor in front of him, instructed me to take his shoes off, and then instructed me to take his jeans off. Then he said to me, "Blow me". I obliged. I was terrified that he would ejaculate in my mouth, I knew if he did I would undoubtedly vomit, and then what would he do to me? You may ask why I didn't bite him (I've been asked that before) - I had a gun against my head. I kept trying to convince myself that if I just gave him oral sex he would have what he wanted and leave. He didn't ejaculate in my mouth, and he didn't leave either. He told me to stop and then pushed me over onto my back. Now he was sitting on top of me, taking my sweatshirt off, and then moving around to take my jeans off. At some stage during this I started fighting back, I don't know if I was screaming, but I know that I was hitting out. He once again put the gun between my eyes and told me that if I didn't stop he would shoot. I stopped fighting. He sat across my stomach and told me to put a condom on him. Then he shifted himself on top of me and raped me. I remember thinking to myself, "he is only doing this to your body, he isn't doing it to your mind". When he was finished, he rolled off me and lay down on the floor next to me. He took his gun and started stroking my body - up and down, up and down. I have no idea how long he did this for, I lost all concept of time, it felt like an absolute lifetime. Then he took his gun and he raped me with that. I wanted him to kill me then - he didn't. I was certain that he would leave then, but once again I was wrong. Then he suddenly became aggressive. I know this sounds strange considering how many times he had threatened to kill me, but up to that point he had seemed quite cool. He grabbed me by the hair and once again forced me to perform oral sex on him, again he didn't ejaculate. He dragged me over to the coffee table and threw me across it - I knew exactly what was coming. He sodomised me. I don't know what I was thinking then - I think my mind had completely shut down at that stage. Exactly what happened next I'm not sure. The next thing I remember was him telling me to let him out. I just wanted him gone soI let him out. When he left he told me not to open the door again because I didn't know how long he would stand on the other side. I believed him. He took my clothes with him.

I was completely numb. I went and showered and spent the rest of the night working at my computer. I had such a sense of unreality - I knew that I had been raped, but it was almost as if it had happened to someone else, not to me.

The next day I phoned a female friend, explained to her what had happened and asked her to come over because I needed someone to go with me to the shops. She arrived, and spent the next hour lecturing me about what I should be doing, that I should be going to the police. "If it had happened to me, I would be at the cops in two seconds," she said. Well it didn't happen to her, it happened to me. I used to have preconceived ideas about what I would do if I was raped, all of that flew out the window when it happened. I will never again have a preconceived idea of how I will react in any given situation.

I have never heard from that friend again. In fact, I used to have a whole circle of friends, people that I have known for almost half my life, people that I have trusted, and none of these people have contacted me. I have subsequently found out that they don't believe me - they think I am looking for attention. If you think that this is the kind of attention that anyone would want, you all need to have a hard look at yourselves. I know that I didn't react in the way that you expected me to, but this is real life, not the movies. I know that I was completely calm and collected, I even cracked jokes about the rape and laughed, when you all expected me to have hysterics. It's called shock! I made a choice not to report the rape to the police and, whilst on some level I feel that I have done a disservice to all women in South Africa, I know that I made the right decision for myself, it doesn't mean that it never happened. I was judged on my reaction to a situation that was totally out of my control - I for one know that I will never again judge someone because they didn't react in the way "society" thinks we should. I am not going to say that the loss of my friends doesn't still hurt, it does and there are days that I miss them, but I know that I am better off without them.

I do have some friends, and my family, who have stood by me. To them I can only offer my gratitude. You have no idea what it means to have people around you who are supportive, who are there to listen even when I am cranky, to help me do the practical day-to-day things that at times have seemed overwhelming. I have been amazed by some of the people in my life - there are some people that I didn't know very well before the rape, who I really didn't expect anything from, and yet when they heard what had happened they offered their help and support. I have made some wonderful new friends since the rape, amazing people who I hope will be in my life for a long, long time. I thank you all and I love you.

I am learning to live my life day by day. To deal with things as they happen. There are times that I just want to give up, but then I try to remind myself that I am a SURVIVOR.

Life is an adventure to be lived, not a problem to be faced.