surviving

COPING WITH RAPE
“He was a gentleman, possessed all that a woman can ever wish for in a man. He was intelligent, wise, kind, loving, with a sense of humour but all that changed and turned into sadness when he left me and my world was shattered. My childhood memories came flooding back and it was back to alcohol, sleeping around and drug abuse. But it was up to me to let him get away with it and accept defeat or stand up and pick the pieces. I had a choice and I chose to stand up and bounce back and at the end I was the winner because I took control of my life and he was no longer in control”

Many women go through similar experiences as that mentioned above. The experiences all differ as the reasons of this feeling of loss, rejection, sadness, pain, anger, hatred are all different. But one thing that should not change and should be the same is the choice to stand up. We cannot remain down forever, at some point one needs to get a grip of themselves and make a conscious decision to get up and use their problems to be ladders and stepping-stones to their success. This is my story.

As a child I went through traumatising times and throughout my life all I could do was wish my pain would disappear with time but guess what? it did not. I brushed everything aside, sort of under the carpet but guess what? subconsciously it was all there. Little did I know that one day it would all explode like a bomb dropped on Hiroshima with terrible unnecessary consequences. I say unnecessary because I feel with proper early treatment and intervention, the damage could have been avoided or could have been reduced. Instead of facing my demons head on I decided to focus my energies somewhere else and forget about it all. Nonetheless, I did not go away until I made a decision to deal with it. Alcohol, drugs, boys etc seemed to be the only way out and after all they were all easily accessible and I took advantage of that and thought what a better way to sort out my demons. I went through high school being perceived as the most rebellious teenager and I succeeded in making sure that title remains with me for a long time. I was not bothered by the stigma and could care less of what others say. Yes, people were justified in thinking that about me, after all nothing I did was positive. I did less of those activities girls my age did. To name a few, I did not go to movies as I felt they were too restricting and could not sit for 2 to 3 hours without saying a word, did not keep a secret diary, did not date as I refused to believe in love. In fact, I hated men except for my father who was a very humorous guy who always managed to turn pain into laughter. Little did I know that this hilarious humorous guy would leave me on this cruel earth before I even had a chance to show him how much I loved and appreciated him. Time, life, fate did not allow him to see my success, his only dream of seeing me obtain a degree was never realised. He was taken away before he could even see the better side of me; he died only knowing the rebellious side without even knowing the reason behind the delinquent behaviour. God knows how much I wish things could be different so that he can see the dream daughter he had in mind. Everyday I blame myself for letting him die guilty for not being man enough. For not being the best father because only a father who had a daughter like me would think that. However deep inside despite his flaws I knew he was a great man. An illiterate guy who made it a point his kids get educated and he tried and succeeded with the help of a beautiful great woman. My mother, a hero, a survivor, a fighter and words can never fully describe my love for her and my lifetime will never be sufficient to show her how much I love her. I do try but from time to time the demons that have been chasing me all my life, ready to devour me and destroy me always hinder me from successfully showing her my love. Nonetheless, my spirit never allowed them to succeed and I know one day they will have no choice but to give up.

THIS IS ALL HOW IT BEGAN
It was a cold Friday night. I was flanked by 5 or more guys who were drinking the night away. If my memory serves me correct I must have been 7 or 8years if not younger but was old enough to remember the events of that fateful night. My mother was away and I have no idea of where my older sister was. Perhaps she was enjoying herself after all it was Friday and my mom was away and it was a perfect chance for her to catch up with her friends which she could rarely see as mom was strict. I was left with my uncle, who is, as most people say a mirror reflection of me and I cannot help but agree everytime I look at him. We resemble each other like brothers and sisters but that day I wished he was never part of my life. It is a pity we don’t choose family and never contemplate that until they betray us. My uncle who was suppose to look after me in my mother’ absence, be my guardian was not there for me. His friend who I still see everytime I revisit the small town of Jeffreys Bay be it mentally or physically, robbed me of my innocence. He took my childhood innocence away from me. Few minutes after I had gone to the toilet as those days the toilets were outside he followed me into the toilet and he raped me. My uncle knew as he allowed him to follow me to the toilet and I remember overhearing them discuss it afterwards as well. So he fully knew of the arrangement. As a child I did not see anything wrong with that, after all it was not painful and I thought it was normal. If my uncle allowed him then I thought there was nothing wrong with it and I never bothered to tell anyone, not a single soul for 15 or 16years. But I remember feeling uneasy, dirty, uncomfortable everytime I saw my perpetrator or rather my rapist but no urge to tell anyone not even my mother. After all I saw no reason to because it was the second time it had happened before I even reached the age of 10. After that night the relationship with my uncle who I had trusted and loved with a passion changed. Oh no he did not have sexual intercourse with me as far as I can remember but from time to time he would fondle my breasts and touch me in my private parts and then I saw nothing wrong with that. To me it was normal, as I knew no different. I guess I was justified in thinking that way. All changed last week when he visited for a weekend the first time since I left for varsity in 2001. I could not help but feel uncomfortable in his presence. I remember him forcing his way into the room while I was dressing after taking a bath, after having told him I’m getting dressed. I remember how fast I dressed up after realising he was coming in regardless of whether I’m naked or not. It is then I realised my pain will not go away unless I deal with it.

WHAT STARTED IT ALL
Where my father worked and where I was born I had no friends. This is because I went to school in Jeffreysbay where my mother taught and I spent my childhood would commuting between the two towns. Every Friday we would drive down to Plettenberg Bay and every morning travel back to school in Jeffreys Bay. I hated those Friday drives because I was lonely in Plettenberg Bay; I had no friends I could play with. All my close friends stayed in Jeffreys Bay. I remember crying every time we had to go to Plettenberg Bay leaving all my friends behind. Nonetheless, I had no control over the situation and there was nothing I could have done. Down the road in Plettenberg Bay there was an old man who had peach trees in his backyard. A few of my acquaintances or rather friends, I had made over the December vacation in Plettenberg Bay, would go to him and ask for peaches every time during harvest season. He was the only guy whose peaches were ripe and sweet in the neighbourhood. He willingly allowed us to help ourselves to the peaches and I remember how happy we would get while teasing each other for not getting the biggest ripe peaches. As I’m jotting this down I’m struggling to remember how old I was but nonetheless the incident is vivid in my mind. I must have been between four and five years as my mom moved to teach in Jeffreys Bay when I was four. Even so, I remember the day as if it was yesterday. This one day 4 of us went over to grandpa’ place as that is how he was referred to. We went over to his place to ask for peaches and after several incidences of him showing us his private parts, this day it went even further. I remember how we used to laugh at this. Well, on this particular day he lured us into the house with the promise of giving us peaches. But we had to earn our peaches, he made us all lie on our backs and he took turns raping us. He would move from one to the next until he was done with us all. We all promised not to say a word and the issue was never mentioned ever again up until today. I guess deep inside we knew it was wrong but at the same time we were scared to tell anyone and too young to put the pieces together. We all parted and to this day I can’t help but wonder how many children’ lives he ruined as his house was always full of kids and no one suspected a thing, at least no one mentioned it.
One of the girls I was with is, as far as I can remember, is currently on anti depressants with serious psychological problems. The other two I have no idea of their whereabouts. Then there’s me with serious psychological and personal problems as well.
My life was shattered, I lost my innocence, was tormented and all of this happened 15years ago and it is all coming back now. For the past 15years I pretended as if nothing happened and found solace in drinking, drugs, sleeping around, heavy partying. But today I took a conscious decision to sort out my life for the better. I decided to deal with my demons that have been haunting, me since childhood. I decided to claim my innocence and take control of my life as no one except me can do it. I even found the courage to hint my mother although very briefly of what happened. I knew if I continued like this I would not go far in life and would spend the rest of my life on anti depression treatment. I decided to take a stand and talk about my misfortunes as I did not choose to be raped twice in my childhood and again when I was in high school. I did not choose to be a victim and I have a choice to either let those who raped me dictate how I live my life or take my life into my own hands. It was not my choice that I was forced to mature before my age because of what happened to me. I decided drinking, drugs, sleeping around was not the way out and that there must be a better way out. I embarked on a journey to find that way out and I did and today I’m on my way to recovery. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in my life and with her help I’m putting my life back together. I’m determined to pick up the pieces and be the successful, beautiful woman God created me to be. I know he let me go through what I went through for the sake of others. He made me brave because he wants me to help others as well. I’ve come this far because people out there need me. I managed to go back to varsity after spending two years messing around after matric and I’m currently doing well. I have not failed a single course and I’m determined to keep it up. Instead I seem to be going from strength to strength. I’m now a brave, strong woman and my self-esteem is increasing day by day. I now have the courage to walk up tall not with my head bowed anymore. I now know I’m a phenomenal woman and destined for greater things in life. I decided, I can’t go on blaming myself nor my perpetrators while my life takes a back seat. I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself but be kind to myself and deal with the situation once and for all. I knew if I continued drinking, smoking and eventually destroying my brain that would mean my rapists have won. I could not live with myself fully knowing that they have won, as I know I was born for a purpose and part of it to help others. I had to defeat my rapists and get on with my life in a positive way. To conclude to all those suffering in silence, stand up, speak up and I promise you that would be the best gift you’ve ever granted yourselves. Silence does not heal it only makes things worse as the experiences will not go away unless you deal with them the appropriate way. Go out there and seek help it is available. Do not hesitate to contact me should the need arise, I might be thousands of kilometres away from you but I’m close to your heart. I fully understand and know what you’re going through and believe me when I tell you it was not your fault and you are not destined to be a looser in life because someone violated you and you could not do anything about it. Make that first move and don’t let your perpetrators triumph. Make an obligation to be true to yourself. ONLY YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN. Not all men are rapists and never loose faith, one day all will be well.