surviving

A poem by the Canadian writer Margaret Atwood:

"I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small-white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again and become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in
I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
and that necessary."

Some of us are able to accept touch easily after being raped. I loved being hugged and hugging. But one survivor said that when she went to buy a watch strap and the male sales assistant tried to tie it on her wrist she began panicking and would not let him touch her.

If you are on anti-retroviral treatment, for at least the first three months after a rape, ensure you use a condom to ensure you do not pass on any sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV that the rapist may have passed on to you.

But for many of us we will not want the intimacy of sex within the first three months, for some of us it takes five years or more before we can bear sexual intimacy and touching. The most important thing we need is a loving partner who puts up with the mood swings that frighten and depress us too, we need a person who loves us enough to stay with us in good times and bad ... knowing that sun will surely follow rain, if we want it badly enough.

Dr Elna McIntosh, a wonderful Johannesburg sexologist (disa@icon.co.za), who is also a survivor, writes:

"After a rape some women may have sexual problems. Vaginismus (involuntary spasm of the muscles around the outer vagina during intercourse) is the most dramatic response to the trauma of rape, but some women have loss of libido (they don't feel like having sex), or decreased sexual interest, impaired vaginal lubrication, loss of genital sensation, pain during intercourse (dyspareunia) and anorgasmia. "Be patient about resuming sexual activity. Returning to sexual intercourse after a rape may present problems for the woman and her partner. Rape may precipitate sexual difficulties.

"A few hints on dealing with your lover:

BE WILLING TO LISTEN. Although your lover should have other people to talk to, you need to hear his or her frustrations and anger at least some of the time.
VALIDATE YOUR LOVER'S FEELINGS. Your lover has a right to have needs, to be hurt, angry or frustrated. You would too if the situation was reversed.
PUT YOURSELF IN YOUR LOVER'S SHOES. If you can't imagine being upset about not having sex, think of something important to you - like communication - and imagine how you'd feel if your lover wouldn't talk to you and was not there when he or she might feel like it.
DON'T CONDEMN YOUR LOVER FOR WANTING SEX. The fact that right now you see sex as a problem or a threat does not mean it is. Your lover's desire is a healthy, vital part of life.
DON'T BLAME YOUR LOVER. This is all the abuser's fault remember.
BE AS CONSISTENT AS YOU CAN. At times this may be impossible, but it helps if you keep your limits as clear and consistent as possbile, so your lover doesn't feel like a puppet on a string.
COMMUNCATE. Let your lover know what is going on.
SAY THE GOOD THINGS. If you'd liketo be able to make love, if you find your lover attractive, if you appreciate them being supportive, if you love them, say so - frequently.
GIVE AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. Then stretch just a little bit more. If you can't give sex, then give something as close to sex as you can.
TAKE BREAKS FROM DEALING WITH SEX. Don't forget - there's more to life and to your relationship than sex.

"Elna's story:

"I am a cyclist and was taught from an early age, if you fall off your bike you get right back, otherwise you might never ride again. That was how I saw the problem, no problem, just continue as if nothing happened (denial) and my poor partner didn't know how to react. I felt empty. Intercourse was just a duty. I chose not to communicate with him. It was only years later that I broke down and started to communicate my fears and anxieties with a therapist. I think I was too embarassed to admit that maybe as a therapist myself I couldn't sort out my own problems. "Consider counselling: Sometimes we need more help than lovers, family and friends can give, no matter how supportive they are. Short or long term therapy can help recovery and rebuilding your life and your relationships. And partners of sexually assaulte womenmay also need help coping with the survivor's severe conflicts and deep feelings of rage and guilt." Dr Elna McIntosh, clinical sexologist

(disa@icon.co.za)